Maybe Your Biggest Hater is You

The feeling of anger when I am reminded of the people who did me wrong.

The feeling burns especially when I see good things in their lives, like I feel they are undeserving because they’ve caused harm, and because maybe I don’t see worth, goodness, “excellent news”, and development in my own life. In this story, I’m the “good guy”, so then the emotion of “This is unfair.” → “Why do good things never happen to me?” repeat again in my consciousness when none of it is true, when the opposite is true.

If I’m able to see the human in me, if I see that I deserve love and forgiveness, understanding and acceptance - as those are the things I want to receive - I too should see that in another person, including the ones woh have done me wrong.

Another sentiment I feel living inside of me is that “I’m sorry I wasn’t perfect for you, enough for you, to love me.” But I have to realize that when they abandon me, they abandon a part of them, the part they detest and wish they forget, the part that gnaw at their consciousness, the part they pursue exterior success to cover up, to muffle, to kill.

Do I feel sad that they are rejecting me? Or do I feel more sad they don’t want to love themselves?

Both, just as much, because I am the same.